my one great regret

have you ever loved something...not someone....but someTHING so much that you ache for it? your body physically aches for it? you need it in your life? you crave it? maybe it's food for some of you ;) or maybe it's crafting...or something like horses or fishing....maybe that's your "thing".

well.... my "thing" is volleyball.

my dad took me to an ISU volleyball game a few weeks ago. as we were getting in the car I said to him.... you know, sometimes I hate going to volleyball games, it just makes me so sad that I don't play competitively like that anymore...and I hate watching it because it makes me miss it too much.

he then said, yeah, I was that way with football.

{he played high school and college football}

 I asked him, when does it go away???!!

he responded with....

never.

ugh.

I've been feeling it hard core lately, friends. the ache for volleyball. i played volleyball my whole life. i have 3 older sisters that all started playing young and for as long as i can remember i went to volleyball tournaments and games and sat on the bench and was the "ball girl" as my dad coached all those games and tournaments, or i was off in the corner with a ball against the wall passing back and forth {or with an older sister beating a ball at me yelling at me to pass it...that was a good time} waiting for when it would be my turn.

^^^ my first official volleyball team ^^^

sorry the pic is hard to see, i'm #7. :)

 

{#13}

i seriously can't explain to you how much i love this sport. it has been such a huge part of my life. my whole family has always been part of it for as long as i can remember. and when you love something that much it's really reeeeeaaaalllly hard to let it go. volleyball was year round for me. i had the opportunity to play varsity all 4 years of high school and once that was over each season...club season started. and did my very social side care that i was gone EVERY weekend for volleyball tournaments? and didn't get to hang out with my friends on the weekend? not at all....that's how much i love this sport.

i've been very reminiscent lately..talking to norman about favorite memories from my volleyball years. feeling a little "has-been" ish. but he listens politely and agrees that "yes..i know you were a big deal" ;)

vvv pictures from my senior year of H.S. vvv

{i was the libero so i'm in the different color jersey}

{everyone crying after our last game of my senior year at state}

if i have one regret in life it was that i didn't play college volleyball. or even try to. one of my favorite coaches approached me around the beginning of my junior year and told me, "morgan, you are probably one of the smartest players i've ever coached" {this is a big deal coming from this woman...she didn't just give compliments like this out freely...and she knows her stuff} "i really think we can get you a scholarship to go play somewhere in college."

now why....WHY would you not take your very talented and brilliant coach up on this??? i cringe when i think about how i responded. 

"no...that's ok... i have to give it up sometime so i think i'm just going to focus on school once i graduate and leave volleyball behind me."
{an excuse i tried very hard to convince myself was true for years}

"are you sure? i really think you should." she asked.

"yeah...i'm sure."

ugh....why....WHY DID I SAY THAT?? and if i'm being honest...i haven't told many people this because it's embarrassing and prideful of me, but, the real reason i said no?

i didn't think i would get a scholarship.
i didn't want to be embarrassed if no team wanted me.
i wanted to keep my pride in knowing that i ended my volleyball career on a good note with a team i loved and respected me for my abilities on the court.

so stupid.
now that i'm older...and wiser...i see people who i feel are equal to me in skill get scholarships. i go to college volleyball games or watch them on tv, and i think....man...i could hang with these people...{most of them...} i could've gotten a scholarship if i wanted one. why didn't i even try?

it's my biggest regret.
and i hate that i have it hanging over me.
and it's been bugging me a lot lately for some reason.

instead, i attended BYU-Idaho, which as some people know, is a school that doesn't have sports. they don't have school teams. they just have intramurals and competitive leagues that you can play in. and i did. and i will always be grateful for the experiences i had there and the people i met and lived with who are now some of my best friends. but still.....i always have that "what if..." in the back of my head.

so moral of the story.....don't be stupid. don't be proud. don't make decisions in your life that cause regret. especially when dealing with people or things you love. it isn't worth it.


so now what? well... i'm trying to get back into the volleyball world. because i have to be. my soul has to be. {does that sound weird?...i don't care...it's the truth :)} i craaaave it. so i have applied to a JV coaching position at a high school that i'm hoping i get, and if not, i'm planning to ref next season.

i'll probably always regret not even trying for a scholarship and missing out on those extra 4 years i could have had playing volleyball in college, but....we move on....take control of our lives now, and do what we can to not make decisions that will cause regret again.