Thursday, May 14, 2015

why i do what i do...

i a little bit hate this time of year....if we are getting right to the point. my facebook and instagram feed fill up with people graduating from college, degrees in hand, weird square cap on their heads, tassel's dangling, and choir robes.... this should not be something i hate, right? i should be so excited for my friends and family who have accomplished their goals!! and i am! but then it happens....

the downward spiral.

i was/am a smart girl. school wasn't hard for me...i was good at it. i wasn't ever that teenager that got the sit down parent talk about my bad grades. i planned to go to college and i did. after graduating in 2008 i went to byui and started school. i had no idea what i was going into because nothing really peaked my interest. so i planned to get a two year associates degree in generals and go from there. and i did. then i came home after my last semester of my two year degree and started dating norman. we got married,  he was going to isu, so i transferred. still not knowing what to go into, i decided i didn't want to waste money doing something i wasn't sure about. so i worked for a bit and after a year ish i decided to go back and get a cosmetology licence from the isu cosmetology program. it was something i had always been interested in and something i knew i could do from home. i graduated with my licence in 2013. got a job, then got pregnant and couldn't/didn't want to work anymore. i was exhausted and throwing up and a 40 plus hour a week job in a new salon that i had lined up just didn't sound appealing to me. so i put it on hold....
and then i had grant...
and it's still on hold.
so may comes around and i see friends graduating college with their 4 year degrees and i see friends i went to hair school with in salons and learning and growing and i start questioning what it is i'm doing with my life?! what example am i setting for my future daughters, or girls in general?? and my worth as a woman and a wife and a mother tank a little bit. because yeah, i'm a mom, but so are some of my friends....who have 4 year degrees....
my mom didn't graduate college either. she went for some time and then married my dad and had babies. and growing up i never thought twice about it. i knew it was expected of me and my 3 sisters to go to college. and i never thought that i shouldn't have to go or finish because my mom didn't. i never thought less of my her for not having a 4 year degree. she was just my mom. she did our laundry, cooked us dinner, made the best beds on the bathroom floor when we were sick, came to every single volleyball game/choir concert, drove us to utah every weekend for tournaments, stayed up late to talk about our dates when we got home, taught us how to balance a checkbook, made us practice the piano, and did it all so gracefully it made being a mom something i looked forward to. something i knew i wanted to do. to me, nothing else seemed as fun or satisfying or as important as being a mom. 

but the spiral still happens, occasionally.

and then mothers day comes around and i hear quotes like these: 

"when you stand in front of your Heavenly parents in those royal courts on high and look into her [Heavenly Mother] eyes and behold Her countenance, any question you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich celestial air, because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny."

and then the spiral stops. and i remember what i'm doing and why i'm doing it. and why i love it. i love grant so much and i love being his mom. it's the most fulfilling and satisfying thing i've ever done and teaches me more about myself and what this life is all about than a 4 year degree ever couldso would be awesome to have a 4 year degree or be able to work full time in a salon, i would love that! i would be proud and happy and grateful for it. but not near as grateful as i feel for that little boy that i get to raise.

so i'll wipe dirty bums, and wipe food from his face, and i'll teach him to share and be soft. i'll teach him to be kind to others and how to treat a lady, i'll teach him to be a man of God and a hard worker. i'll teach him the reason we are here and why he is loved and important. and i hope one day he and my future babies don't think less of me because i didn't get a four year degree, i hope they know that i love being their mama and know it is why i am here and what i want to be doing. that the best thing i could do in my life is to raise them.

++ on a side note, i was giving grant a bath today and i put him in the tub while the water was starting to fill up the tub. as he got in he started grabbing at his private parts (as per usual...) and as the warm water usually does, it makes him pee....well the combination of the two caused him to accidentally point his little wee wee upward and he peed all over his face.....i laughed so hard. that's motherhood, kids. :)


  1. Okay that last paragraph had me laughing out loud lol.

  2. Isn't it crazy that you feel shame over not getting a 4 year degree/working a salon job and I feel shame over not wanting any kids (maybe ever or maybe just not for a long while)?! Such proof that it's so easy to get trapped in the comparison game! Loved this post because it reminds me to live in the moment and love my life and all of the roads I've chosen to get me to this place. Lovely writing Morg!