Tuesday, May 20, 2014

on being mom....

friends, i'm having a real hard time keeping up on the blogging world when i just want to snuggle my little nugget every second of every day. ugh.....life is so hard. ;)

i wanted to write a post on or around mothers day {i'm a tiny bit late} about being a mom. and you guys...i don't even know what to say about it. it's so hard to articulate... and those of you who are mothers, you understand the dilemma.

so mothers day rolled around and i wasn't really expecting it to be super different just because i had a baby now, but it kinda was...
first...i finally truly understand how much my mom loves me. honestly, you don't get it until you have a baby of your own. and one of my first thoughts on mothers day was, "man..i gotta really thank my mom and tell her how much i love her because knowing that she loves me like i love grant...brings a whole new level of appreciation and love for her."
second... that night, i was scrolling through Facebook and i saw a video my mom posted about a family who had a lost a baby 10 days after it was born due to a birth defect. they made a little movie tribute to him and i basically bawled through the whole thing. when we went to bed that night i started crying again and norman asked me what was wrong....i finally was able to tell him that nothing was wrong...i was just so overwhelmed and so incredibly happy to be a mom that it was overwhelming me. happy to have a healthy little boy who i get to take care of and love and nurture and all the above. i just had this moment of elation. complete joy. there's no word to describe it. 
and you guys, if i'm being honest...i wasn't sure i was going to love being a mom. i've never been one to love kids {that sounds really bad..but you know what i mean......right?} and i knew i always wanted to have children and have a family but i wasn't always sure i was going to absolutely love it. and even right after i had grant...i was pretty emotional and i liked being a mom, but it was hard that first week...it was like i was supposed to know this little person and know what he wanted and what made him happy but i didn't...and it took some time to figure it out....but then i did! and i felt so connected to him. i love him so much. and i can't even pinpoint the moment, but it all just came flooding over me....i loved being a mom. i loved caring for him. i loved knowing him so well and knowing i created him. 

i told norman that shortly after i gave birth that i was looking at my bare body in the mirror and noticing how much it had changed and how different it felt and the stretch marks and the soreness, etc. and all that comes with building a baby inside of me...and i felt proud. i felt so extremely proud that i did that. i created a life and yes, he left battle wounds, but they're battle wounds i'm willing to have and be proud of and to embrace and when i look at those dark purple stretch marks that graced my tummy, i'm reminded of him, and that special connection we had while he was growing inside of me, and how amazing our bodies are to be able to create and sustain another human being. it happens so often, {people having babies} that i think we look past what a miracle it truly is. and really let it sink in. we have been given a gift to create life. that is an incredible, indescribable gift. and i'm so thankful that i was able to. stretch marks and all.

so anyway...i could go on forever about motherhood and how it has blessed my life but i will keep that to my journal or something... :)

oh....and p.s....i cut and colored my hair. it has been a nice refreshing change.

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