weaning and a melt down

so i feel like some of you are totally gonna get this and know what i'm talking about...and some of you are going to think i'm a crazy lady....and it's fine. cause i think i kind of am.

it was a week ago, tuesday morning, norman woke up to grant crying around 5 or 5:30 and brought grant into bed with me as i nursed him while we both dozed back off to sleep. and that was it. i didn't know it then, but that was the last time i would nurse him. 

we were down to one feeding...the morning one. our weaning process started after he turned a year old. i knew i wanted to make it to at least a year...that has always been my goal. and you guys, considering how this all started....i am so proud of myself! in the beginning i remember my mom telling me nursing wasn't a pleasant experience for her and only nursed her babies around 3 months and i thought....oh my heck...i can't do it...three months is so long...how did she last so long??? i don't know if i'm going to make it 3 days! it hurt so bad, i bled so bad, and he ate so much! but thanks to good supporting friends and my fabulous sister who answered a million questions and motivated me to keep going....i made it to and even passed my year mark! 

so he turned a year old and i easily cut out the day time nursing. he was too busy in the day to nurse.... but still loved it at night and in the morning. then a few weeks went by and he stopped wanting to nurse as long at night, so we stopped nursing at night and just nursed in the morning. he would nurse in the morning forever if i let him....til he's 25.... but we just can't be having that. it was time. he wasn't sleeping well at night because when he woke up in the morning all he wanted to do was nurse...and because he knew it was an option he would NEVER go back to sleep. i was ready to be done. so tuesday evening i was talking to norman and kind of on a whim decided we should try not nursing him the next morning. and here we are a week later and fully weaned. 

each morning we didn't nurse, he would come lay by me in bed when norman left for school, pull at my shirt and sign the word "please" over and over. and it broke my heart. i felt like maybe i shouldn't have stopped....maybe i should give in and let him nurse until HE'S fully ready to be done. (i was feeling majorly sore and engorged, too...so it was tempting) i was having some major mama guilt. but i stuck to my plan. i knew i was ready to be done, and i knew he maybe never would be :) 

well thursday night rolled around, it was late-ish and my husband was asleep and grant was asleep. i had fallen asleep for a late nap earlier in the day and was not tired at all. so i decided to catch up on some blog reading. a blog i follow wrote a post about their weaning stories....and all at once it hit me.... more mama guilt...and the sudden realization that i would never....ever....nurse grant again. i had a major melt down, you guys. like...major. (i chalk it up a little bit to hormones from my milk supply trying to figure it's crap out...right??) but i just started to cry...my mind went back to the special moments i have mental pictures of...all the way from the very first time we nursed...to the times when i hated it so much i cried, but pushed through...to the moments sitting in the dark, rocking in our designated chair as he nursed and we shared the quiet peace of the night.. just him and me. the times he fell asleep and rolled his head back after he was done. the times he smiled up at me as milk ran out his mouth. i will never have those back. they are only memories. i went into his bedroom that night, tucked him back in and rocked in our chair with empty arms and just pondered the time we spent together there. 

it seems a little silly to think about how upset i was.... but it has been such an honor to be able to nurse him as long as i did. and a goal that i am so very proud of for so many reasons. luckily, that night i happened to be texting a dear friend of mine and we had actually been talking about nursing before i had my melt down. i told her about my little freak out and she gave me the best advice...as per usual.

she told me that i was a good mom. that she was proud of me for making it so long after knowing how hard my first little bit was, and that i knew what was best for grant and to not feel guilty about being done. to let myself be sad and let myself cry and then move on to what was to come. that i had so many more bonding experiences to look forward to with him. i will forever cherish those kind words from her in a moment where i felt like no one understood. thank you, my sweet friend (you know who you are). 

so...it's been a week. and we are weaned. such a fabulous and beautiful journey, thanks for taking it with me, grant. i love you, my baby boy.