so.....about baby #2

first of all....no i'm not pregnant. although the title of this post may lead you to believe otherwise. i am not. and don't plan to be for quite some time. it's funny because yes, grant is turning one next month... (don't get me started)... and once that year mark starts rolling around people start asking you when the next one is coming. which is silly! it's like... alright people...let me enjoy my first one for a bit! however, i have been thinking about baby #2....you know...because once you start you just can't stop....thanks for that one, pringles. 

but really...once you start having kids there's no going back....you have to keep going. unless you want your kids to be years and years apart (which we don't), you have to plan when to have the subsequent children so there is a decent amount of distance between them, but not too much. so...we have done that...and we have a tentative plan in place for baby #2. which will be for "our eyes only", if you will. :) 

anyway...on to what this post is actually about....

how do people have more children??? i mean..i know "how", but...how?? i mean, i can't imagine loving another little human as much as i love grant. and i know it all works out and your little heart grows three sizes or whatever but....i don't want to share? i don't want to split time....

the other day my friend and i were walking with our babies at the indoor track at the university. my husband met us up there after his class was over so we could go home, but we ended up sitting outside on the hallway couches for a bit talking about life and jobs and school, etc. etc. we decided it was time to go and my friend needed to run back in where the track was to get her diaper bag, so she handed me her 4 month old baby boy to hold til she got back. so i started playing with him! {he is adorable, mind you...}. i started making noises and making him laugh and while doing this, grant was standing next to me holding on to the couch. as i was playing with the baby, i looked down to see what grant was doing and he was smiling up at me with the BIGGEST grin, just watching me play with this other baby and laughing at the sounds and faces i usually do to him to make him laugh. and all the sudden i got SOOOO SAD!!! i felt like i was leaving him out and didn't even notice! i immediately said to norman...is this what it is going to be like when we have another baby? because i already don't like it....and i know that's dramatic...but i just felt like...how am i going to give them both the attention and love they need? 

i know that you "figure it out" and "it all works out", but, it still makes me sad thinking about sharing my time with grant and another one...and then another one...and another. it's overwhelming! i mean, i've always wanted a biggish family. 4 kids. and still do. but i thought being a mom of one was intimidating. when you think of everything you have to be for them and then triple that responsibility? or quadruple it? it's kind of crazy. and feels heavy.

but yes... i know that you "figure it out". i'm just saying.... and i'm sure every mom feels this way...you guys know. and you all did it. and it worked out. this whole motherhood thing is just so daunting sometimes! but i wouldn't want to be anywhere else. and i truly mean that.

***also...side note..we are T-5 days til we are rid of them helmet!(most likely) WOOT WOOT!